Remorse

I attended Alex's funeral on Saturday in Herndon. Jennifer had warned me of the hardship of attending a funeral of a child. Having attended more than her fair share in her career as a critical care nurse she was well versed.
I guess it was everything you'd expect however what does one expect when a 14 year old decides to take his life?
It was standing room only which makes sense because he was popular. There were scores of kids there. In essence the clash occurs at that point. Two foreign worlds collide. A mass of youth... Innocent, pure, bright trying to console each other at this harsh reality. They were kids really. Not old enough to drive, not old enough to vote, not old enough to drink wrestling with a tragedy. For me that was the first hard part of the event although my challenge is trivial compared to others. I spent the event standing next to Bhaskar. His silent solitude and respectful stillness in stark contrast to my own discomfort. The pastor delivers a riveting eulogy about putting meaning to all of this. I am impressed with how coherent it is on a horrible subject... Does he do this often... I mean for 14 year olds? Bhaskar and I exchange reassuring glances choosing to refrain from delivering the responses in prayer as our own faith differs. I am praying for Alex in my own way.
At the reception I embrace Dana. My carefully scripted words of condolence lost in the moment. I fumble with pieces of sentences to say how sorry I am. Ironically it ends in laughter as opposed to tears.
I drive home a virtual zombie thinking what if this were to happen to us. The car arrives home and the abrupt halt in the driveway jolts me from my obscure day dream. I enter the house and hug the kids slightly tighter than before. I feel fortunate. I wish I could change the sequence of events. But I cannot.


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